Can We Change the Conversation?

“You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better”- Anne Lamott, Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life.


So this my well-meaning friend, let’s call her Mrs. Z (because Mrs. A is too mainstream). Mrs Z and I lost touch, then I restored BBM on a new device and voila, here she is. Mrs Z and I have a short catching up conversation, it was 2 years since the last time we spoke. I try to ask enough questions, but not enough to make anyone uncomfortable or cross lines that I didn’t know existed. Anyways, the next night, I get a chat notification. It’s Mrs Z. “Gbemi are you married?” “Err… Nope”. “But you promised me the last time that you would get married in 2014?” “No Ma’am! I didn’t promise, but I planned to, but the whole roadmap changed”. “So when will it be now?” “Sweetie (because, I don’t want to say Boo Boo Kitty a la Cookie Lyon), if I could buy a good husband, I would have. But I can’t. So I’ll just wait till I find someone who wants me and who I want.” It gets interesting.

“But you know you’re not getting any younger, and beauty, especially for women fades”. I rush off to the bathroom with a torch (I haven’t been able to change my bathroom bulb because I’m vertically challenged) and I stare long and hard at my face. So far I have managed to defy gravity. So far. I look 23, sometimes. I run back to my phone. “Sweetie, my own beauty doesn’t fade o. Jesus has given me beauty for ashes. Besides, beauty is way more than skin deep. It’s from somewhere deep within”. Mrs Z is unrelenting. “I understand. I just think that time is going”. “I have nothing but time”. “What if I introduce you to someone?” “Errr. Nope. Been there, done that, got a T-Shirt. I’m good. Besides, I have a peculiar taste in men”  “There’s this my friend that I have given your number” “zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz”.


In the last couple of months, I’ve met many well-meaning people like Mrs. Z who are eternally trying to marry me off. And I have nothing but love for them, seeing as I have previously proved absolutely inept at getting my own game (Key word here is previously). However, I do have reservations about a society that teaches women that they are incomplete outside the walls of a home or marriage. I am hopelessly romantic and trying to be open to love. But I have come to learn that there’s so much more to life than a three letter prefix and children. And I think that it’s unfair to judge a woman’s success based on her inability to be yoked.


Being single is not a deficiency. There’s so much more to life for women, besides marriage and children. There’s passion and advocacy and travel and career. But if you feel marriage is God’s calling for you, it still doesn’t invalidate the choice of the other woman choosing not to marry yet. Don’t make someone else feel inadequate because they are single.


Maybe we should start asking our daughters and friends where their careers are going and start fighting for equal pay, rather than hassle them about their marital status.


You are Worth Dying For – Letter from a Single Man

“Just because no one  has shown up to love you on your level doesn’t mean you have to sink to theirs. ”  – T. D Jakes


First of all, I would like you to know that I feel a certain kinship with you, and not in an Alcoholics Anonymous kind of way. I celebrate you because right here and now you are an independent young woman who is entirely in charge of her life and time. You will not understand the value of owning your time and space until you are married, so in the meantime, embrace it. Every day, i hear my married friends complain about how difficult it is to hang out with the boys. My female colleagues who are married also go on about how they never get alone time. And so while marriage is a beautiful thing, being single is just as appealing.

I don’t know why you are single and who did what to you. But if they didn’t put a ring on it then they don’t matter. You will learn in life that people aren’t always what they say they are, and that may be very heart breaking, but LIFE will go on. Sometimes, you meet pretenders, sometimes you meet people who do not know what they want and other times, well, maybe it was just time you outgrew certain friendships. Whatever happened or will happen, DO NOT TAKE PRISONERS. It’s just Life.


I know what the pressure is like for you. I know how every time you say you are Single, there’s an unspoken pity-party and endless match-make attempts for you. There’s also the “she must have done something wrong” or “i need to hide my man” attitude from your sisters. Some days i wonder why you ladies are so mean to each other. But i feel no pity for you. I understand how men can be such babies or even outright monsters and I am proud that you are holding out for the best. Please DO NOT FEEL Pressured TO SETTLE for a BTA Relationship.


You are probably asking what a BTA Relationship is – Well, it means “Better than Alone”, in other words, an “at all at all, na him bad pass” relationship. Too many women are in loveless relationships, so many others are in abusive marriages and many others are dead and gone. Wouldn’t you rather hold on a little longer than be a statistic?


I know that it may be hard sometimes. You come home to your empty house, a phone that barely rings and a life that may seem to suck. I know that some nights you just want to be held, literally; that some mornings you want to share the crazy dream you just had, and on some days you want to talk about your future and the beautiful children in it. I know that every time you return home from a wedding you are filled with longing and questions about when it will be your turn. I am single, so i know what the wait feels like too. Don’t you worry Child, God is sorting you out.


In the meantime, GET A LIFE. I know that’s a shocking (almost rude) thing to say, bearing in mind that you probably pay your bills, but there’s so much more to do than earn a living. Have fun, read books, shriek, dance in the rain, travel the world (or just your country) now that there is nothing stopping you. Build a career you can be proud of, get a new hobby, read books, make new friends (the good kind) and basically just live. In the end, nobody wants a douche-bag. We want successful women who will inspire our children, and who know when and how to let their hair down.


Above all, you have value. You are the daughter of a King, and He is enthralled with your beauty. He loves you so much and He judged you worthy of the life of His only Son. There is no greater love. You are worth dying for. Everything good will come.