“I am a woman with thoughts and questions and shit to say. I say if I’m beautiful. I say if I’m strong. You will not determine my story — I will. I will speak and share and … and love and I will never apologize to the frightened millions who resent that they never had it in them to do it. I stand here and I am amazing, for you. Not because of you. I am not who I sleep with. I am not my weight. I am not my mother. I am myself. And I am all of you, and I thank you.” – Amy Schumer, 2014
Okay. In my own defense, I did cancel the curse word.
And Amy Schumer is sometimes a girl after my own heart. But lately, that’s how I’ve been feeling. For the first time in a long time, I feel absolutely free and totally do not care. In the past couple of months, I’ve come to weigh every decision I have made over and over and it took a while to realize that most of the time, the biggest determinant was public opinion. As much as I touted living life on my own terms, I came to realize that I could not live out my truth because of what “people” would think and say about me, especially those I considered close to me. I was in some sort of self-imposed prison, trying to be acceptable.
Now here’s how I weigh things: Will I get hurt? Am I being true to myself? Will this work? If this doesn’t work can I live with myself? If there are consequences can I ride them out?
On Mirroring and Judgment
A number of things I should state here so you can understand this part:
I am not a celebrity
Beyonce is my role-model. And this is because she’s the Queen of controlled exposure. You only see what she wants you to see, except you’re the Papz, stalking her every move and studying body language.
I think it is lame to spend too much time focusing on other people’s lives.
I am a grown woman (This is me channeling my inner Queen Bee again)
You only see what I want you to see.
As I said, I may not have always been a wimpy kid who needed to be liked and approved of by society (I say “always” because I probably was at some point), but I still always wanted to fit in within the acceptable standards.
However, I have come to realize that acceptable is subjective, depending on who is involved or what is at stake. So maybe I’m more liberal than the average person. Or maybe I’m so broken I keep looking for people who strengthen my broken narrative. What I do know is that all the times I have judged people; I have found myself walking the same tightrope they walked when I turned my nose up at them. So in the words of our Lord Jesus Christ, I call nothing unclean if God has made it clean.
I realize that a lot of people who are my friends and who are even Christians can not simply understand the concept of friendship between a man and a woman. So basically, if a man and a woman are constantly together (forget if they have chemistry), they are most definitely undoubtedly without a doubt making the beast with two backs (which is Shakespeare’s phrase for fucking).
This is what I think: If this is your way of thinking, then it means that within the context of a relationship, your only value proposition is sex. This means that you have considered yourself unworthy of healthy conversation and laughter, unworthy of being a confidante and a true friend. It means that you are so unintelligent you can’t discuss world politics and music, or just share random sarcastic posts on Instagram. It also means that all that you have going for you is between your legs or in the mounds on your chest. My dear fiend, I am praying for you.
Finally, does it occur to you that most of the time when you judge people, you’re projecting your own behaviour and beliefs on them? You’re just mirroring.