Originally posted in November 2014
“(He) believed in the green light, orgastic future that year by year unveils before us. It eluded us then, but that’s no matter – tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms further… And one fine morning – . So we beat on, boats against the current, borne ceaselessly into the future.” – (emphasis mine.) Apologies to F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby
I write only about things that I know.
I write about love because its mystery has drawn me in. You only know what you feel and call it love. But it is infinite, messy and heavy. It’s beyond floating on air, butterflies in the stomach and breathless kisses. It’s a decision – to see that our object of desire is just as flawed as we ourselves and choosing to stick with them till we drown. It’s knowing that perhaps what we feel will only bring us sorrow but still learning to bask in the euphoria of the now while we hope for a better ending. It’s staking everything blindly, no matter what the outcome may be. Or maybe that isn’t love, maybe it’s just folly. But what do I know? “There is no fear in love, instead perfect love drives out fear” 1 John 4: 18
I write about pain and heartbreak, because no matter how often you feel it, each new cut feels deeper and more ruthless than the last one. It never ever goes away really, but we must let each wound bleed out because of the venom. Sometimes it festers, sometimes it covers up. But every once in a while, we feel the spots we thought would be our undoing and the repressed pain gives us a feeling that we like. Or we just wistfully look at our scars and smile. “He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds” Psalm 147:3
I write about a God, who even though I know and have experienced, I cannot comprehend. He’s strangely charming and intriguing and sometimes frustratingly mysterious. But I know for sure that everything that He does is borne out of love for me and everything that happens is infinitely covered in His goodness. Otherwise, who would forgive you before wronged him? His love is folly and I’ll never understand. But I can trust and believe and walk on water, knowing that the only way to not drown is by keeping my eyes stayed on Him. “Can you fathom the mysteries of God? Can you probe the limits of the Almighty?” Job 11:7. “Master, we’ve worked hard all night long and caught nothing! But at Your word, I’ll let down the nets” Luke 5:5.
I write about myself because even though I don’t quite know what I am going to be, the becoming is painful and beautiful at the same time. I am a child of light, making darker places shine brighter. I am a city that’s set on the hill, I cannot be hidden. I am mysterious, just as my God is; powerful in Him, confident that I am whole. When I stand up next to mountains I chop ‘em down with the edge of my hand, then I pick up the pieces and build an Island (Thank you Jimi Hendrix). Leaving behind the nights of terror and fear, I rise into a daybreak that’s wondrously clear (Thank You Maya Angelou). I may not have a lot of things, but I have love and hope; I have myself and a powerful God. So I shall not be moved. “God is within her, she will not fail; God will help her at break of day” Psalm 46: 5
So I go on, on nothing but a wing and a prayer and the grace of God, thankful that I made it to the hangar in one piece. The One who holds me down is fixing my broken wing. Then we’ll do it all again – engine check, test flights and then finally we’ll set out on a whole new adventure.
One fine morning…