Originally posted on April 20, 2015
“Well I’ve been searching high, I’ve been searching low (to)
Feel this completeness, everywhere that I go.
Maybe if I just keep walking, walking, walking
Through my mind I’ll stumble on it somewhere
And somehow in this space and time I will lose my worrying mind”- No Love Child, Corrine Bailey Rae
They say when all you can see is your pain, you lose sight of God. I used to write about love and sorrow, and pain and heartbreak. I used to be filled with longing for the things I didn’t have and it consumed me so much that I lost sight of the things I already had.
For a long time, all I did was ask God for things that I wanted. I had a long list and one of the top 5 items was a partner. Seeing as I had done a shoddy job at choosing for myself, I decided to wait for Him to help me with that last major bit. I had prayed about it before then, albeit subjectively. So this time I went all in and prayed again. And all I could hear was “Live Child. Live”
I had written previously about living and all the things you could do while you were single and waiting for something to happen. It turned out that I never took my own advice. I’d write the things that I thought and felt at the moment, but I never went back to read them when I needed the hope I always wrote about. Well, early this year, I told myself that I would start taking my own advice and living freely. There’s so much I missed out on not living to my full potential, and now it’s a herculean task trying to catch up.
Three months into 2015, I wonder where this Gbemi was hiding before. I know that there was a time for standing still, the time when I was supposed to grow root and be strong for the future. And I don’t think that I regret any part. I just wish that I had been a little braver. I’ve seen doors open only because I dared to knock. I’ve seen all the love around me only because I dared to open my heart. I’ve learned that God didn’t use the potter analogy for nothing. Because no matter how many times I’ve felt broken and torn, He pieces me back together piece by piece till I’m whole and brand new again.
Above all, I’ve come to realise that the greatest love I’ll ever have is my Father’s love. And that’s manifested in my love for myself and the love that I have to give. I’ve learned to open my heart to the endless possibilities that life can offer. I’ve learned that it’s okay to reach out to grab the things I want, because not everything is a mirage. I’ve grown to a whole new level of self-love that scares me sometimes. I went from the girl who was (and is probably still) too shy to speak in public to being the light of the world.
In the end the love was always here, only it was within.