Posts tagged The Becoming

On Loving Spoilers

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding” – Proverbs 3: 5

Between office work and trying to live my “why”, I always find time to watch series. This was always my entire weekend, being a hermit until lately. I did some calculations – If one episode is 56 minutes and I watch 5 episodes, I would have been staring at my screen for about 5 hours. In my defense, I have perfect eyes, but it’s the thought that when I was done watched 5 hours of TV I would have wasted 5 hours of my life watching something that wasn’t entirely helpful to me. So I learned to limit it to just a handful (except based on recommendation) – Game of Thrones, Person of Interest, Narcos and occasionally Scandal.

 

Now here’s the thing with Game of Thrones: It’s only ten episodes per season, and it’s only one season a year. In April. And it’s only 10 episodes every year. Obviously I don’t have HBO so I have to wait to download from the Internet. Sometimes, with my work load and other commitments, including sleep, I have to wait for a few weeks so I can watch in “omnibus” mode.

 

But the wait.

I hate not being in the know, so unlike the other humans who threaten to shoot another person for sharing spoilers online, I intentionally go hunting for spoilers. I like to know who dies next, and  what happens in King’s Landing and pretty much everything, before I watch. No surprises. Can’t blame a girl. There’s too much blood and gore, as if real life wasn’t hard enough.

 

And it’s the same thing with real life for me. I like to have all the answers. I like to know the end from the beginning. What will happen 3 years from now if I make this decision? Are the statistics in my favour? Will this be a smart move a few years from now? If it doesn’t seem like I’ll get what I want, I don’t attempt. I don’t touch what I can’t grab. I don’t take unnecessary risks. I’m heavily guarded and I like to stay that way.

 

Thing is, with life, you can’t know it all. I always wish I could google projections or maybe just straight up ask God to tell me what He knows. But I think that’s where faith comes in. It’s in blindly trusting and following God, knowing that His plans are always good. So I don’t know who I will marry, or how many kids I’ll have and all the other details. But I think that knowing God is enough is all I ever need to know.

Just enough light for the step I’m on.

 

“I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them.”

In Retrospect

I had a million things to write, but I’ll save it.

 

I’m mighty grateful for a year in which I saw many different sides of myself, my friends (and those I thought were my friends), my family and my God. God has surrounded me with good people, I can’t even begin to explain how blessed I feel that I have these people around me. I’ve met people off the Internet that only God could have arranged our meeting. I’ve learned that people are full of so much love, and while I keep looking out for myself, it’s refreshing to know that I have a handful of people looking out for me too. It’s even more amazing to have friends who can relate because your journeys are similar. I’ve learned a few things from people I thought were my friends, but that is just human nature. I don’t take prisoners. I have an amazing support system in my family. Irrespective of how things have gone, God has held and comforted us. And we’re stronger.

 

When you’re in a long term relationship with someone, you watch them unravel and get to know a little more about them each passing day. It’s the same thing with God, except it’s on a greater scale. And I feel super duper blessed that God has shown and keeps showing me the many sides to Him. I’ve seen First Responder, Father, Saviour, Friend, Lover, Provider, Protector and Companion. So that when I call Him these names, I really mean them. And it’s beautiful to see. Sometimes He answers my most frivolous requests, sometimes He doesn’t answer my deepest desires. But I know that everything He does is good for me. So I trust Him.

 

And I’ve come to love myself. I try to challenge myself, but I also cut myself some slack for going through this thing called life gracefully. I’ve watched myself evolve and seen the good and the bad, and I still love all of me. I also really really like myself, and I hope to celebrate myself a lot more.

 

So here’s to a New Year of shameless self-promotion, a lot of love, a lot of light, a lot of energy and positive energy. A year in which I will not dim my light anymore.

 

Thank you for all your love.

Bisous

xoxo <3 :*

 

 

 

 

 

Lazarus Girl

Posted in Easter 2015

Hi. My name is Gbemisola and I’m a Lazarus Girl. I was dead for a long time, much longer than the real Lazarus. And I died over and over again. I died not once or twice, probably more than thrice too. Don’t ask how I did it, you’re probably dead yourself too.

 

You see the thing with dying is that you don’t even know you’re dead. You just find that your heart doesn’t beat as it used to. You stop breathing in air. And everywhere is quiet. It’s gradual. It shuts you off from everyone else. I mean you’re dead.

 

But every time I died, Love raised me up. It’s something like Sleeping Beauty, except that it’s still different, better in a way. The Princess was under a spell, she couldn’t help but sleep. But I- I could choose between life and death, between darkness and light.

The thing with freewill and choice is that it is weird. Sometimes one simply doesn’t need too many options. So every time I died, it was a conscious choice. There was always light on one hand, not blinding like floodlights or hot like halogen lamps; Just a warm glow that embraces you. There was always light. But I loved the darkness more.

I always knew my way around in the dark. It’s a bit like how you know your way around your house when the power is out. I always felt safe and anonymous in the dark, never been one to enjoy the spotlight. So I let the darkness envelope me. It feels like a warm hug from behind, till it is two hands around your neck. At first it’s a caress, then it’s a choke hold. And before you can think to run to the light, it’s all blank. And still.

 

“In Him was life, and that LIFE was the LIGHT of mankind. The light SHINES in darkness and the darkness has not overcome it”- John 1:3-5

 

The thing about darkness is that it can’t survive the light. Sometimes all it tale is the flick of a switch. Other times it’s as gradual as the rising of the sun. Or the full moon that’s out tonight. The thing with light is that you don’t have to walk all the way to find it. It can find you anywhere. All you have to do is let it in.

 

I’m the child that was in the darkness of the grave for years. And the Light always found me. I loved the lure of the darkness and even though it left me for dead, the Light and Life of God always found me.

Like Lazarus, Jesus called me out of the grave into the Light. And when He rose that Easter Sunday many years ago, He won life for me forever.

Lazarus Girl.

On the “Becoming”

Your journey has moulded you for the greater good, and it was exactly what it needed to be. Don’t think you’ve lost time. There is no short-cutting to life. It took each and every situation to bring you to the now. And NOW is right on time”- Asha Tyson

 

I am an old soul in the body of a twenty-something year old. I say this because even though I like technology and can manage to keep up, the only game I give myself to download and play is Solitaire. When I’m literally losing my mind, it helps me take my mind off pressing issues and focus on numbers and shapes. It’s the only mental activity my brain can permit when my mind is numb too. It’s a game for old people. But I think the real reason that I love Solitaire is that I can start again without having to see “GAME OVER” or “NO MORE LIVES” or “YOU LOST”. Once you get stuck in a deal, you can start a new deal and not feel like you’re cheating. And then you just keep trying over and over until you win.

 

And then it just feels like life, my life. Only difference is that in life it’s not that easy to start again. Lately I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about my journey- Roadblocks and detours, dead ends and dark alleys, false starts and accidents. It’s enough to make your heart sigh. And how much time I have wasted running down the wrong roads. But in the end, I do know that everything is just what it was meant to be.

 

When I started this part of my journey many months ago, I told God that I had bought a new notebook to write down the lessons. I have come a long way and even though there’s still so much ground to cover, I think I’ll be needing a new journal soon. At every point, and through every mistake I have learned invaluable lessons to help me through the next part of the race. I don’t look back in anger anymore. As they say “If you don’t grow from pain, you’ll wither from it”.  Well, I’m growing. And it’s painful, as painful as when Bruce Banner is transforming into the Incredible Hulk. But it’s also an amazing thing to be able to look back, forgive and be truthful enough to know what you did wrong.  “But I have calmed and quieted my soul, like a weaned child with its mother. Like a weaned child I am content” Psalm 131:2

 

I’m grateful for everything, knowing that those who put their trust in God will never ever be put to shame. As long as the earth remains, seed time and harvest will never cease. And I’ve sown. Some on good ground, some on bad. In good weather and in bad storms. “Those who go out weeping, carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with them” Psalm 126: 6.

 

Everything good will come…

The Things your Mom Never Told You

Published in March 2015

(Disclaimer: This is by no means an indictment on my mother, or any other mother for that matter. I do not judge shoes that I haven’t worn yet, I absolutely admire your devotion. I simply share the things that I have observed. If this post offends you, I apologise in advance. Love)

 

She didn’t tell you that you too are Stardust. You are beautiful, a relic of some place that’s gradually being forgotten. You are beautiful, as is. And it’s okay to leave a little glitter everywhere you go. Not everyone should hold you.

She never taught you to love your body. So the Magazines taught you everything that was wrong with it. If only your nose was a little straighter, deep-set eyes are perfect, high cheek bones are more model-like, suck your stomach in, you need space between your thighs. So every time you saw something new, you would try to nip and tuck so you could fit just right, until you became a mash-up of something that you couldn’t quite put your finger to. And so when your first lover tells you “if only you weren’t an A-Cup, you would be perfect” you go home and strip in front of the mirror, and try to pull hard enough so you can at least fit a B-Cup. Till one day you learn that maybe it’s just about how they fit your body, and how your nipples stand in the cold.,

She didn’t tell you that there was more to life than going to school and getting a job and getting married. That maybe you could dream too, and make your life an exciting adventure. That you too could own anything and everything you dreamed off and create a life that you love. She didn’t teach you that you could write your own rules and that it was okay to be deviant. She didn’t tell you that whether or not you get wifed, you will still always be a trophy.

Your mother probably didn’t tell you that not all women were made to be domestic, and that maybe we too could be easy on our friends who were poor with cooking and house-keeping. That sometimes a man needed more than just someone to clean and cook for him and have his babies. She didn’t tell you that you were intelligent enough to listen to and advise him, that sometimes all he needs is to be held and loved. She didn’t tell your measure exceeds who you are at home.

She didn’t tell you that some men like to play with their food. That no matter how hard you tried to be perfect, and no matter how many garnishments you used, they just weren’t ready to eat. Or maybe they didn’t like the chef. And that’s okay. But she didn’t tell you that it was okay to walk away from love. Walking away from love didn’t mean you lost; you already won when you first loved. And when you left to find something new, you already set the stage for your next victory.

She didn’t tell you that you too could enjoy sex, as a woman. And that enjoying an orgasm shouldn’t make you feel guilty. That you could ask for what you want; doesn’t make you any less of a lady, just makes you a go-getter. She didn’t tell you that you shouldn’t be a passive participant in the things that could possibly give you pleasure. But you will get there, wait till you’re married.

She didn’t tell you that you are as much a lady when you forget to shave your legs as the Queen of England. That true grace comes from within and shines through, like a light that’s making dark places brighter. That perhaps other women are sisters, and not competition, and that maybe the man isn’t even the enemy in the end.

Taking Steps is Easy, Standing Still is Hard

Originally posted in November 2014

Chinese Bamboo: Growing up, I experimented with planting – beans, corn, tomatoes, pepper and much later even pawpaw. It was pretty straightforward – plant some grains/seeds where there’s sunlight, water them and in a few days or weeks, watch the first few leaves sprout. I guess that the thrill for me was watching them come to life and going on with the fulfilment that I had “created” something, so to speak.

Years later, I would come across Chinese Bamboo in Paulo Coelho’s Aleph. Unlike other plants or trees, when the Chinese Bamboo seed is sown, you see nothing for about five years, apart from a tiny shoot. Everything else that grows is underground – a complex root system reaching upward and outward is being established. Then suddenly, at the end of the fifth year, the bamboo shoots up to a height of twenty-five meters. I wonder if as a child I would have been able to wait five years for a silly plant to grow, when I’d have been eating pawpaw and harvesting tomatoes in that time. It would have been a waste of space and energy, and maybe I would have tried to uproot it. It would have driven me crazy.

 

And it still does.

 

I think we’re the “speedy” generation. Unlike our parents who probably worked in only one or two places most of their careers, our own measurement of progress is defined by movement. We don’t want to be stagnant so we don’t stay too long on one job. We get into relationships and get out, or we get married and divorce and move to the next one. We move from one house to another, make new friends and do all we can to convince ourselves that we are making progress. While in reality, some of these changes are necessary and taking us closer to our dreams, sometimes, all of this motion is just what it is- motion, not movement.

Last week was my second year anniversary (a la LinkedIn) on my current job, the longest I’ve ever been on one job. A friend joked that it was a lifetime and honestly, it feels that way sometimes. I’ve lived in the same house, dreamed the same dreams and just gone through motions for 2 years. There’s so much that I’ve seen happen in two years – people have gotten Masters Degrees and other qualifications, people have gotten married and had children, people have gotten in new relationships and gotten engaged, gotten new jobs and moved on. And even though I wish them well and I try to be available and show support along their life’s journey, it doesn’t necessarily help to come back from playing Wonderwoman and see that my life is exactly what it was the year before. It doesn’t also help to try to explain to people that you’re on the same spot because you’re waiting for something to happen – a certain something that you can’t even put a finger to.

 

“Be still and know that I am God”- Psalm 46: 10a.

I love “Orange is the New Black” and I admit that the first line that jumped out at me is from the theme song “You’ve got Time”- taking steps is easy, standing still is hard. I always read “Be still and know that I am God” and thought to myself “I’m a calm person, I have no problems being still”. The past two years have taught me what being still is. Being still is David in the Bible being anointed King of Israel and having to wait years till Saul dies before he would reign. It’s having the chance to kill the only person standing in his way and still choosing to do the right thing – wait for the One who promised to perfect it. Being still is when Hannah cried like a drunk woman at Shiloh and Eli saw and blessed. The Bible says her countenance was lifted and she went home. Being still is Abraham waiting for over two decades between the first promise and the actual manifestation of the seed, Isaac. There are no shortcuts to being still, ask Sarah about Hagar. Being still is trusting every single word that God has spoken and is speaking, and trusting Him to direct us. Being still is knowing that the Owner of the cattle on a thousand hills always, always come through and we can still hold on, being certain that He will open windows in heaven if He has to.

Being still is hard, but I don’t know of anyone who ever went wrong waiting for God. Besides, who decides what is right or wrong or what is good or bad? Everything that happens to us, regardless of how we see it is shrouded in God’s goodness; it always ends well regardless.

 

Above all, being still is not just sitting and waiting for things to happen. It’s being deeply rooted and nourished while waiting to sprout. A tall tree without deep roots will snap in the storm, however you look at it. So while you are waiting for things to happen on the outside, you can make things happen underground too.

 

Be still. Be deeply rooted.