Live

/’liv/

by with No Comment The Becoming

Posted in September 2015

‘Cause when the day comes
And I’ve counted all my sins
How many I’ll see, I want to be able to say
That I did more, more than pray

I did more than just spend my money
Just writing letters, than just going out marching
I did more than talking, saying the right thing
Wearing the right thing, time for an uprising

– Corinne Bailey Rae, Love’s on its way

 

A few days ago, I had to write an obituary. I also had to write a biography for my late aunt who was and is one of the kindest souls I’ve met. The biography part was a disaster by the way, seeing as a few pages could not really capture her person. I also left out vital information, so to speak, even though I’d like to blame this on pressure and grief.

But I didn’t forget her very essence. She was a professional and an example in her field. She was never complaining (and this threw me off balance). She was steadfast. She was also graceful, kind and cheerful. Always smiling, she left a bit of sparkle everywhere she went. She was a listener, she was our rock, our mother and the executive arm of the family. She knew how to hold it together, and would reach out no matter what anyone did wrong. She was the most understanding 56 year old woman I know, and the most tech- savvy too. She was so beautiful and very stylish.

Again that still doesn’t cover everything.

In any case, I set out to write my own obituary and biography so no one has to struggle with the details when I die. The reason? Life is fleeting! Everyday since she passed away, I’ve asked myself what people would write or say about me when I die, eventually.

I haven’t finished, and obviously can’t, someone else will have to finish it. But when the time comes, I know that the mistakes and struggles will not matter. No lousy ex-boyfriend will get a mention (Not all of them are lousy). My life won’t necessarily be defined by whether I had kids at 30 or whether I got enough likes on a filtered selfie. My biography will not be defined by the things I owned or the clothes I wore, not by the high and mighty people I know. I don’t think anyone would want to read of the nights I was bawling out or the days that were so uneventful that I didn’t even know the days’ dates.

I think that what will matter is whether I lived out my purpose. Whose life did I touch? How is/was my life an example? Who did my life inspire? Who will my death inspire? Did I do what I came here for? Then again, what do I know?

In the event that the tiny mundane details of my life matter, I intend to live a little more; you know just so there’s more to write. Like how I will finally get my eyebrows right and just maybe I’ll do a Vlog soon. There are already more than enough pictures

Maybe I’ll do a Single Girls’ Guide to surviving in Lagos? Or maybe I’ll just share my life more on this blog. Maybe I’ll take the posts down as quickly as I put them up.

I know that my epitaph should read “A planting of the Lord, for the display of His splendor, a rose that grew through concrete”. That will be apt, morbidly too. Because when you bury something, it’s really like planting.

 

Till then, I’ll just live.

Single

You are Worth Dying For – Letter from a Single Man

by with No Comment RantsByGbemi

“Just because no one  has shown up to love you on your level doesn’t mean you have to sink to theirs. ”  – T. D Jakes

 

First of all, I would like you to know that I feel a certain kinship with you, and not in an Alcoholics Anonymous kind of way. I celebrate you because right here and now you are an independent young woman who is entirely in charge of her life and time. You will not understand the value of owning your time and space until you are married, so in the meantime, embrace it. Every day, i hear my married friends complain about how difficult it is to hang out with the boys. My female colleagues who are married also go on about how they never get alone time. And so while marriage is a beautiful thing, being single is just as appealing.

I don’t know why you are single and who did what to you. But if they didn’t put a ring on it then they don’t matter. You will learn in life that people aren’t always what they say they are, and that may be very heart breaking, but LIFE will go on. Sometimes, you meet pretenders, sometimes you meet people who do not know what they want and other times, well, maybe it was just time you outgrew certain friendships. Whatever happened or will happen, DO NOT TAKE PRISONERS. It’s just Life.

 

I know what the pressure is like for you. I know how every time you say you are Single, there’s an unspoken pity-party and endless match-make attempts for you. There’s also the “she must have done something wrong” or “i need to hide my man” attitude from your sisters. Some days i wonder why you ladies are so mean to each other. But i feel no pity for you. I understand how men can be such babies or even outright monsters and I am proud that you are holding out for the best. Please DO NOT FEEL Pressured TO SETTLE for a BTA Relationship.

 

You are probably asking what a BTA Relationship is – Well, it means “Better than Alone”, in other words, an “at all at all, na him bad pass” relationship. Too many women are in loveless relationships, so many others are in abusive marriages and many others are dead and gone. Wouldn’t you rather hold on a little longer than be a statistic?

 

I know that it may be hard sometimes. You come home to your empty house, a phone that barely rings and a life that may seem to suck. I know that some nights you just want to be held, literally; that some mornings you want to share the crazy dream you just had, and on some days you want to talk about your future and the beautiful children in it. I know that every time you return home from a wedding you are filled with longing and questions about when it will be your turn. I am single, so i know what the wait feels like too. Don’t you worry Child, God is sorting you out.

 

In the meantime, GET A LIFE. I know that’s a shocking (almost rude) thing to say, bearing in mind that you probably pay your bills, but there’s so much more to do than earn a living. Have fun, read books, shriek, dance in the rain, travel the world (or just your country) now that there is nothing stopping you. Build a career you can be proud of, get a new hobby, read books, make new friends (the good kind) and basically just live. In the end, nobody wants a douche-bag. We want successful women who will inspire our children, and who know when and how to let their hair down.

 

Above all, you have value. You are the daughter of a King, and He is enthralled with your beauty. He loves you so much and He judged you worthy of the life of His only Son. There is no greater love. You are worth dying for. Everything good will come.