Relationships

Much ado about $25 and conversation

April 17, 2016

Some background: I live alone. Every once in a while I have a friend over, but I’m not great sport sometimes. I enjoy contemplating life and beauty in silence. I will be in a room full of people having great conversation and be lost in another world on my Kindle. However, if I ever need someone to talk to, I have 200 active BBM contacts (minus the people who I added for clothes and human hair). I have three loving siblings and a teeny tiny circle of friends who are always available.

 

Last week, I almost bought a boyfriend off the Internet on Invisible Boyfriend. A little background on Invisible Boyfriend- It’s a paid service, subscription is $24.99 and it gives you real-world and social proof that you’re in a relationship – even if you’re not – so you can get back to living life on your own terms .  Only reason I didn’t sign up is because I don’t live in the United States or Canada (I plan to start a petition to bring their services to Nigeria or maybe even build the Nigerian version). Invisible Boyfriend sends me 100 text messages, 10 voicemails and 1 handwritten note (I particularly love the handwritten note part).

Why Invisible Boyfriend?

 

To start with, I think I live a private enough life to have removed the need for social proof of a relationship. You only see what I want you to see, and as far as relationships go, I can say you don’t see anything at all. So why do I need a paid boyfriend? Because for starters, there’s a certain ease that comes with talking to people far removed from our world. It’s why a taxi driver can tell me that his wife suddenly absconded to Abeokuta, why women will rather email Linda Ikeji than a marriage counsellor and why we’d rather tweet than speak. People far removed from our world listen, because that’s the only thing they can do. They don’t know us well enough to judge. And even if they try to judge, they couldn’t hurt us as badly as people we know.


Again, half the time, people really do not care. You have people ask you what’s wrong and then when you finally say what’s wrong, they take off like Barry in Flash. Or maybe we can’t trust our own judgment. So we keep picking the wrong people to talk to and they keep letting us down (These h**s ain’t loyal, trust me). You can’t spend your whole life dealing with betrayal so you just totally stop trusting.

You know what they say about life being a perpetual flux and that you can’t step into the same river twice? I think it’s bullshit. You can make the same mistakes over and over again. And so you confide in your friends or lovers and they leave as people are wont to, and you confide in new friends and lovers who also leave too and the cycle is endless.

You know what? Just tell it to Jesus.

Or the boyfriend (or girlfriend) you bought.

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