Posts in The Becoming

The Girl who walked on Water

“Come”, he said.

 

Breathe deeply. Hold your breath. Let it out. Repeat. Then step out. One foot, then the next. Forward. Repeat.

That’s all she had to do – deep breaths, one foot in front of the other, forward movement – to walk on water. It seemed easy except she never got past taking deep breaths, understandably so. Who would imagine that she would ever contemplate walking on water, she who couldn’t swim? The absurdity and sheer insanity of it was worrisome. She had always played safe – no late nights, no speeding, no unhealthy eating – and it had always worked for her.

 

But then it was He who was calling out to her. He seemed to always have a clearer picture of these things than anyone else. And He seemed trustworthy. He was out on the water too, and He seemed pretty comfortable so maybe He knew more about these things than she did. She had read in the past about how Peter walked out on the water to meet Him – somewhere on the way He took his eyes of the man, Jesus, and he started sinking. Jesus saved him, but still, she wasn’t one to take chances.

 

Her gaze could be on a million things at once, so how could she keep her eyes stayed on Him? There were bills to be paid, goals to fulfill and dreams that she had to live out in colour. Then the nightmares too. It was hard. He had always told her not to worry, but surely He must know she was a worrier and thinker.

 

But this boat didn’t feel as good anymore.

 

In a way, she’d worried herself into a hole. One that caused her boat to fill up with water. And it was filling up so rapidly it didn’t make any more sense to stay in it. And well, He was persistent and reassuring. He had never stopped calling out to her, so maybe it was time to try this out.

 

Gingerly, with her eyes on Him, and her heart on His word, she tried again.

Breathe deeply. Hold your breath. Let it out. Repeat. Then step out. One foot, then the next. Forward. Repeat.

And boy, did she walk!

And there was sinking, and floating, and walking and flying, and tears and laughter. And there was failing and starting over again.

But she was never ever afraid of raging storms again.

My Beautiful Disruption

“Is it dusk yet. Yes? Okay. Listen up! This will be long.

When I took this photo, I was just hoping to capture a beautiful sunset as I used to do every evening on my way home over the bridge. Then this danfo comes out of nowhere to interrupt my view but I’m still clicking away anyways. I caught a few good shots, but for some reason I could never delete this one.

A few months and #snapseededits later, I look at this disrupted photo and it’s beautiful. And clearly different from all of the other sunrise and sunset photos I’ve taken.

God was telling me that this Disruption is my life. And it’s oh-so beautiful. And so, because I’ve put this off too long, I’d like to introduce you all to “The Beautiful Disruption” 😊

It’s been a long time coming, and it’s something that God gave me for everyone. It’s a collection of personal essays that strip the layers off and show you how God went out of His way to create this beauty that my life is, by removing everyone and everything that stood in His way, and sometimes, like this picture, by putting roadblocks in my way. And all the lessons I learned along the way.

Now it gets better: Some of us (my blog readers) will get the chance to share in this project. You get to read a few chapters. And because I know how important it is for us to tell our stories, I’m throwing it open for anyone who is willing to share their Disruption stories with the world. The only requirement is that you must realize that there is no shame. You didn’t go through all of this not to tell your stories.

Over the next couple of months, I’ll be sharing excerpts on the blog. I can’t wait for this journey.”

 

First I want to apologize for being away from here for so long. I wish I had a perfect and believable excuse, I don’t. I’ve just been feeling dissatisfied and uninspired (more on this later). I feel like there’s a lot on my plate but I’m learning to prioritize.

Back to the matter at hand.

I posted the text above and picture above a couple of weeks ago on the gram and I’m a little over excited even. I was going to do all I had to do in private, but i’m reminded that in the end it isn’t always about me. God gave me for me, and for many other people. I threw it open and the response has been overwhelming, which was just confirmation that God wasn’t playing when He asked me to go on.

I’m currently working on a dedicated website for this, should be up in another few months, and then we can start sharing. If you would like to be a part of this project or support it in any way, please holla!

Love and Light

‘Gbemisola

What I Learned From My Big Crop

So I recently cropped my hair, recently being last Saturday. And even though I like to convince myself that it was a spur of the moment decision, it was an idea I had played around with for a while. Maybe since last year. But I usually got swayed and just thought that the same old way was better. Before now, I had mostly had the same hairstyle for the past six years or so – side part (left side please). If I wanted to switch it up, I would braid my hair or wear a short weave. But I got tired. I feel like I went through a lot in the last year and I had earned the right to shed old skin. So at the end of April, I cut my hair shorter. But after about a week of running on auto-pilot I went back to what I knew. I saw my cousin’s hair this year and was inspired to do what I knew I wanted to do in my heart.  I asked a few people for their opinion (again) and everyone said “No” so I shelved my plans again so when I finally summoned the courage this weekend, I kept my decision away from everyone who could dissuade me. And the results were beautiful.

 

But here’s what I learned from cutting my hair:

  1. If you really want to do something, just go ahead and do it: I know this seems pretty obvious but you know how truth is often hiding in plain sight. But what I have learned from all of this is that once you are certain you want to do something, you don’t need any other opinions.
  2. You own your reality: Nobody knows you like you. You alone know what is best for you at every point in time, so just go ahead and do it. When you lay in bed at night, you’re only accountable to your God and to yourself. Be sure that you’re at peace with your decisions.
  3. You never know until you try: I had doubts about changing my looks, seeing as I had worn the same hairstyle for years. Even when I finally decided to chop my hair off, I thought that there was a slight chance that I would hate it the next day, and I had my wig nearby. But the next morning when I looked in the mirror I could barely stop smiling. Turns out I actually love it. Haven’t cut my hair this low since I was in JSS3, about seventeen years ago.
  4. Sometimes you just need a fresh start: When I told my sister I wanted to chop my hair, she said “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”. But truth is, sometimes, you really need to stop patching things and give yourself a fresh start.
  5. Change is the only constant thing: I always joked that even if I had only one strand of hair left I wouldn’t chop it, seeing as I am, to a large extent, a girly girl. Well, look what we got here. Never say never. Stay open to life’s changes and just breathe.

Everything good will come!

Today will Probably Be the worst day of your life

Or the best.

And this is not a motivational speech, I promise.

I know we’ve all heard lines along “the day is what you make of it” so much that it sounds cliche. Well, it’s the truth. Every day has potential, to be the worst day of your life or the best day of your life. Your day can start off with everything that could possibly go wrong going wrong. While I believe in God, and force majeure, I also know that we often abdicate our duties to fate. And I know this, because I’ve been in the school of thought of waiting for perfect timing or conditions, or just a good vibe. I always imagined I would just sit down with these ideas and knowledge, and one day BOOM out of nowhere, I’m top of the game in my field. And the book I always swore I would write, well one day, I would just see my book on Amazon and Barnes and Noble.

Well, that didn’t quite work.

No. It didn’t work AT ALL.

Over the last few months, I’ve come to learn that if you want to do something, just do it. As they say, “leap, the net will appear”. If you’ve done your due dilligence about any decision you want to make, then just go ahead and do it. Don’t think yourself out of an innovative idea with impossibilities that only exist in your mind. There are no “perfect conditions”. There will always be bills to pay, and traffic, and everyone gets stressed, especially if you live in Lagos. If you wanted excuses for everything you did not want to do, you could write a whole book. In the words of Bruce Lee “if you spend too much time thinking about a thing, you will never get it done”

With every day that passes, you miss out on a day that could have been the day you started – the day you started writing, the day you started a business, the day you started creating – and you’re running out of time. Except you’re ageing in reverse (a la Benjamin Button), every day is one less day in the grand scheme of things. No one can pick your brains when you die, so if you think of something and you don’t do it, the idea dies with you. Or perhaps someone else will do it. Whatever, you get the idea.

Light a fire where you are.

Have a great week.

On Loving Spoilers

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding” – Proverbs 3: 5

Between office work and trying to live my “why”, I always find time to watch series. This was always my entire weekend, being a hermit until lately. I did some calculations – If one episode is 56 minutes and I watch 5 episodes, I would have been staring at my screen for about 5 hours. In my defense, I have perfect eyes, but it’s the thought that when I was done watched 5 hours of TV I would have wasted 5 hours of my life watching something that wasn’t entirely helpful to me. So I learned to limit it to just a handful (except based on recommendation) – Game of Thrones, Person of Interest, Narcos and occasionally Scandal.

 

Now here’s the thing with Game of Thrones: It’s only ten episodes per season, and it’s only one season a year. In April. And it’s only 10 episodes every year. Obviously I don’t have HBO so I have to wait to download from the Internet. Sometimes, with my work load and other commitments, including sleep, I have to wait for a few weeks so I can watch in “omnibus” mode.

 

But the wait.

I hate not being in the know, so unlike the other humans who threaten to shoot another person for sharing spoilers online, I intentionally go hunting for spoilers. I like to know who dies next, and  what happens in King’s Landing and pretty much everything, before I watch. No surprises. Can’t blame a girl. There’s too much blood and gore, as if real life wasn’t hard enough.

 

And it’s the same thing with real life for me. I like to have all the answers. I like to know the end from the beginning. What will happen 3 years from now if I make this decision? Are the statistics in my favour? Will this be a smart move a few years from now? If it doesn’t seem like I’ll get what I want, I don’t attempt. I don’t touch what I can’t grab. I don’t take unnecessary risks. I’m heavily guarded and I like to stay that way.

 

Thing is, with life, you can’t know it all. I always wish I could google projections or maybe just straight up ask God to tell me what He knows. But I think that’s where faith comes in. It’s in blindly trusting and following God, knowing that His plans are always good. So I don’t know who I will marry, or how many kids I’ll have and all the other details. But I think that knowing God is enough is all I ever need to know.

Just enough light for the step I’m on.

 

“I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them.”

Free Falling

Never been one to not try to be in control of my own life, or emotions or anything even.

But if I’ve learned anything this year, it’s that Love is Trust. Everything I held on to this year has been questioned. And God has replaced all my dreams with new ones and shown me what it means to trust Him.

Free falling is reckless trust, trusting Him enough to say no matter what “Only Your will Lord”. Because sometimes Your will takes us through thorns and thickets, and our feet bleed. It’s the tests and trials that stretch us. But we get home.

Free falling ends this endless striving, because everything outside Him is really just striving. Striving is like trying to lug a million shopping bags on your own and not letting anyone help you. You’re hunched over everything that’s trying to break you apart but you’re still holding dear, because it is your own personal sorrow, to which you feel entitled. And then He cups your face and wipes your tears and says “Darling, let Me help you with this too”.

Free falling is being His ride or die, because there’s really no life outside Him. Like Enitan Bereola says, God is driving, I’m riding shotgun. And it’s an endless road trip, bumpy even, but there’s so much to see along the way.

No parachutes. Free falling is just leaving the brakes, because He got this. Or maybe it’s knowing that even if I needed the brakes and they didn’t work, He’d break my fall. Or my crash.

Like He did that Sunday.

You should try it too.

On Letting Go

“It is beautiful beneath the sea, but if you stay too long you’ll drown” – The Three-Eyed Raven, Game of Thrones


So if you’re like me and your pretend face is really good, and your fall-back game is strong, you can move on in the blink of an eye. But the problem is a lot of times I can move on without letting go. I only just learned that moving on and letting go are two entirely different experiences. (Of course every event or experience is a memory from which you can draw wisdom from in the future, this doesn’t mean that you didn’t let go of the experience/ event). So what I’d typically do when a phase of my life was over was either cry my eyes out, worry myself to death trying to figure out the whys and why nots or just get resentful of everyone/everything. Then one day I’d decide that life had to continue so I’d wake up and snap out of it and convince myself that I had moved on, without really letting go. Sometimes it would be a person or friendship, or a lost opportunity.


What this meant was/is that I could move on from a million things but still be entangled in the same old web. I’d move on but have paraphernalia of the past (everyone who knows me knows I’m a hoarder of sorts) carefully arranged in advance in the future. And instead of just learning from the past and moving on, I’d feel a certain obligation and always run back because I couldn’t stop longing.


What I’ve learned over the past few days/weeks is that looking back endlessly has the tendency to make you stagnant. And let’s not forget that when you look back for too long, you miss out on the present and so many “what could be’s”. Let the past be past, with all its longings and hurt and resentment, there’s so much more to see.


Love and Light.
xoxo

On Staying Right in the Middle

There’s a middle, and anyone who has been severely depressed and has had to take mood stabilizers would know this. Because you’re trying not to feel the valley lows, you become a bit numb to the really highs. So you’re right in the middle. Survival Mode.

 

It’s the same way if you’re economical with your emotions. You don’t let yourself hope too much, since they say “He that is down needs fear no fall”. So you don’t open up, and don’t let yourself feel vulnerable. It’s a bit like the scales on fish, maybe just harder to take off. But you’re never going to be able to feel all of the good stuff, if you do not even permit yourself to feel. Don’t be so stuck with the familiar, even that is changing and leaving you behind.

Step outside ’cause summertime’s in bloom
Stand up beside the fireplace, take that look from off your face
‘Cause you ain’t ever gonna burn my heart out – Oasis, Don’t Look Back in Anger